| We paint our sins on the ceiling, I keep them glued to my chest.. |
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[31 Jul 2009|01:50pm] |
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maxwell - "pretty wings" |
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when i think back about why i started writing in here, i can't help but laugh.
context has such a profound effect on the meaning.
i'd like to think i've long overgrown that old personage. with that said, i'm ready to close this chapter of recording in my life. it's been a good run livejournal, thanks for keeping the memories.
~> http://phil-time.tumblr.com/
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| perspective |
[04 Jun 2009|01:46pm] |
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meg n dia - "here, here, and here" |
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gonna try to get back into the habit of this. 6 years give or take and almost 700 entries, and i've noticed one commonality: i never write in times of peace. does that mean things are bad now? no. its just a bit of a travesty to never write about the good times
spoke to my stepdad on the phone the other night. since being away in san deigo, i have a tendency to speak only to my mother when i call home. same conversation on a bi-weekly basis: what's new? how's work? when's your day off? hope your feeling well, love-you, talk to later. its so routine, i swear my mother has these conversations when she's half-asleep. the conversation ultimately translates simply into i'm glad you're doing alright. totally different conversation when i speak to my stepdad. we speak about finances, the economy, and the overall need not to forget why i'm doing this: money. i speak to my stepdad about once every other month or so, but last nite was probably the most comforting conversation i've had with either of my parents since moving out. i never end my conversations with my stepdad with the whole affectionate "love-you" that i do with my mother, but last nite talking about life and the car accident last year (that i'm still paying for today), and hearing his concern about my overall state-of-living, it was the first time i wanted to.
still, i didn't.
i remember after his open heart surgery when i was a freshman in high school, the doctor's said most ppl have another 10-15 years left after something that major. i was 14 then, and being 23 now, interpreting mammalian physiology and biochemistry for the last 2.5 months, the clock has never ticked so loudly.
i had my final lecture for metabolic biochem today w/ Prof. Price. he dedicated the last 15 min to talking about his 40+ years as a professor and his hopes for this generation and the potential discoveries we'd be responsible for. this man lived to see the first protein structures deduced, the human genome painstakingly mapped, the discovery of genomic and endocrine influence on disease, and other crazy shit in the world of science. watching him speak as he stood with his grey hair and sinuey arms, i could see a sense of acceptance that he wouldn't be around for what the future had to bring for all of us young-and-aspiring future doctors/scientists/what-have-you. i think what resounded most eloquently was when he referred to us as students and what he learned at our age, his concept of fear: fear of failure, and real fear caused by real failure. the thought of it put a lot of shit in my head right now into perspective, especially as i continue another/final year of college while i watch everyone else walk across the stage; in light of my mistakes lately, i'm not letting the latter be my reality. the motivation isn't worldly, maybe it never has been.
The time of my life, a record of myself
an accurate sketch of perfect health
A roof on my head, shoes on my feet
Plenty of room, plenty to eat
Been very far, made lots of friends
I love my mother, hope to see her again
I'm a wanderer now, sorrow befalls me
I laugh often, so i suppose I'm gonna be fine
Mozart he said, "there's nothing to composing.."
and that's all we do, we just write and play
and write and play and write and
"..here, here, and here"
he pointed to his heart and mind and ears
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[02 Mar 2009|12:08am] |
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lykke li - "little bit (death to the throne remix)" |
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Hands down
I'm too proud, for love
But with eyes shut
It's you i'm thinking of
But how we move from A to B
It can't be up to me
Cause I don't know
Eye to eye
Thigh to thigh
I let go.
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| thoughts on fall. |
[24 Nov 2008|10:56pm] |
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iron and wine - "flightless bird, american mouth" |
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it would seem that the ease to which i escape
is matched only by my ability to build prisons.
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[15 Jun 2008|11:19pm] |
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gorrillaz - "dirty harry (remix)" |
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the post finals weekend of pat&oscar's, zohan, stranger than fiction, COOKIE MONSTER, block-party clubbing, old friends and new, hooters, fried chicken, fondu, beer, ice cream cake, rock band, dim sum, swimming/hot tubbing, baskin robbin's, hair, more beer, chicago and new york style pizza, more movie... FUCK YEAH.
summer's jus gettin started.
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| in fluxus |
[30 May 2008|03:18am] |
i found my moment of honesty today
i was having a conversation w/ a ucsd alum/friend
after telling me his plans for the coming year,
he asked what mine were
i've been asking myself that question a lot lately
but rather than have nothing to say,
everything i never even admitted to myself up until that moment
poured out like a river:
"i think its peculiar that i have this set path all laid out for myself
this strange sense of security in carrying out these plans
when secretly i want nothing more than for something else to come along
something that fucks it all up,
that makes me drop everything i know and hold onto
something that is truly and inherently me...
there has to be a reason why my passion lies in all these other places
until then, i think i'm just waiting."
"I've always been the type of fellow to put all my eggs in one basket
and then promptly take a dump in the basket."
-Robert Downey Jr.
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[23 May 2008|04:19pm] |
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portishead - "glory box" |
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this was the first moment i've had to breathe.
and that's not at all been a bitch.
i'll write soon enough.
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| my apologies LJ |
[14 Mar 2008|05:23am] |
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Stephanie - "Friends" (Japanese) |
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My how I have neglected you. I spent almost all of winter quarter never sharing my life with you, giving most of my attention to my tangible journal. I’m terrible. But I promise it’s been for the better, perhaps we needed this time apart.
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| sleep don't pacify us |
[29 Jan 2008|03:29am] |
"/a tremor for death
ivories that sliced sedatives in half
relief in the rhine
washed away regrets
and let char before he
carressed the ground
dear artist you will rise again
a last abaresque in faint fashion."
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| in recovery |
[22 Jan 2008|12:08am] |
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nine days - "absolutely (story of a girl)"/ bbmak - "back here" |
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never thought i'd say i missed being uninhibited by alcohol
this was truly a ridiculous weekend that began with dinner
mikki directed us to someplace in downtown la jolla with killer curry
then headed over to Perseus as the triple threat plus three and got plastered
woke up nasty/hungover in mengyun's apartment wit mikki
somehow decided that the solution would be soup plantation
we went into hibernation, then jammed at mikki's,
giving birth to our soon to be cover-band
sunday was spent blissfully asleep
then met up wit the crew again and rallied KP Bowling
yet another excuse to get hammered
john lee aka matt vu bowled the most ridiculous game under the influence
while i smashed with the high scores for our team again n again
the rest of that night i fail to recollect accurately thanks to the gonja at jel's
i jus know it was one of the craziest little adventures of this quarter
marked by the scene where we ninja'ed away from a patroling cop car
i have never felt like such a college student till now
90's revival in benito's car today reminded me
how i can probably karaoke every Top 20 pop song from '95-03
oh how simple the times once were.
Now how many lovers would stay?
Just to put up with this every day and all day
Now how did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting,
Wearing the clothes or the soles that we choose
Now how do we get there today?
When we're walking too far for the price of our shoes
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
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[06 Jan 2008|08:40pm] |
i'm sitting in the bliss of my apartment, laying claim to these final moments of peace, before i can once again give my soul to the machine that is UCSD.
though the shortest winter break i've had since i can even recall, this vacation from the waking-working life seriously opened my eyes. i regret that the event occurred late in the game, after 7 almost arduous days of being in Las Vegas with my parents and my auntie, but the fact that it happened alone doesn't change my full capacity for appreciating its natural progression.
on a last minute whim, i'd decided to go to Together As One (TAO), a giant New Year's Eve rave at Los Angeles sports arena with some friends. thoughts of high school and my constant exposure to raving culture induced by the conformed "AZN's" gave negative connotations to my expectations for the night, but i firmly believed in the power of good company, and good company was definitely had. the cost of tickets/supplies and a couple hours waiting in line to get in was a small price to pay for what i can safely say was the most UNDENIABLY-INDESCRIBABLE-INCREDIBLE-AMAZING night of my life.
so amazing that i refuse to confine it within my limiting vocabulary. i have never been in a situation where love and unity were the the single most prevalent emotions pulsating and saturating every human body in the room. "Welcome to ZION" as Jeremy so eloquently proclaimed. and yes, i'm sure the greater majority was under the influence, which aided greatly to what i can only attempt to describe, but what we all took with us from there goes far beyond the the firing off of synapses and the induced manifestations of chemical reactions within ourselves. Its been six days since that night, and to even just recall any of the events that occurred brings me to a place of zen. after surviving the unavoidable low that followed, my natural state has been altered completely. i can no longer return to the cynical negativities that plagued my every action and resulted in my blind social paralysis, my inability to self-actualize. i've let go of feelings of anxiousness brought about by the stress of expectations unmet, purged by this desire for patience and the continuance of productivity. i've found that to be at peace takes nothing more than to sit and contemplate, to accept that this is where i am and that nothing wrong exists in that knowledge, so long as i don't allow myself to be stagnant or forceful of the issue. i don't fear the power to change so long as that change is both necessary and for something greater than me. its as though a veil has been lifted, a net uncast, and all i want now is to let go of the stigmas that have hindered me, to readily allow myself to grow. i see that love is everywhere and i want to never-again be in a state of living where i am blind to that liberating thought.
i could go on.
i think what i'm trying desperately to iterate is that there is so much, and that life is so short, that there is no reason why we should not seize every moment, and to appreciate that every moment is necessary. i've been victim to the feeling that if i can just tolerate "this" for long enough, i can someday get to "that", as fleeting as "that" may be. it was never supposed to be about "that" all along, which is why "that" never really is fulfilling once it is reached or achieved. its about the whole journey, and if i can just keep that mentality, life would finally just... be. and that would be enough.
my utmost love and compassion pours out to those that made TAO possible and unforgettable, and what Anjelica so accurately described as a "sacred experience".
there's definitely something about 2008
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| cheers to 2008 |
[02 Jan 2008|12:21pm] |
T. A. O.
unfreaginbelievable
end transmission.
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| vegas: day 3 |
[27 Dec 2007|09:34am] |
armed with pajamas and one of the top-5 worst cases of bed-head, i'm drinking orange juice from a wine glass as i type sprawled atop my hotel bed.
there's something to be said about watching my parents on vacation. they seem to have this slow and easy demeanor, paralleled entirely by the ridiculous amount of days they set out for each trip they make. and many a trip do they make. it was barely a week ago that they spent a good ten or eleven days in florida. keeping in mind they rarely vacation with anyone other than themselves (it'd be romantic if they weren't so humorously impartial towards one another), that's quite some time spent couped up in a hotel suite every night. and now we find ourselves in vegas for 7 days, a trip that easily could have been 4 days in my book, but i'm coming to appreciate their approach. each day feels entirely fulfilling without any sense of urgency, which encompasses the entire idea of what a vacation should feel like. perhaps i've lost touch, influenced too dramatically by my sudden eager-beaver lifestyle that is san diego.
we went shopping, which may not have been the best idea in the world. i burned a hole through my platinum visa at H&M, and bought my "how-many?"th pair of low-top chuck taylor's to ease the edge of all the business-casual apparel. this was followed by our THIRD trip to Goldilock's, my god. i think we've managed to order the entire span of the menu by now. i sensed a slight amount of contempt from the same bus-boy that served us the previous times and was left only with my parent's foreigner inspired 10% tip. however, i found it well deserved this time for the sheer lack of bola-bola siopao. shame.
i was hoping to win back the money i'd so frivolously spent playing roulette, remembering my older brother's $800 luck from his last trip. damn was i wrong about that one. granted, i had a patient dealer who pretty much taught me how to play , i bought in at $20 and lost it all in a good ten minutes. bah! i'd somehow got the whole table to always bet on 17 Black every single round, and not ONCE did that come up. haha. however, 23 RED did land, reaffirming my faith in my flagship numeric digit, even if i managed to gamble all those winnings away. and just when i'd been demoralized, i noticed a girl playiing $5 black jack by herself. she wasn't making a killing, but there was something comforting in our common insecurity at being the only constantly-carded individuals on the casino-room floor. i joined her, and together we played the most enjoyable hour of amateur black jack, and it only cost me $5 bucks. she asked me my birthday, then told me hers was July 7, hoping that this year was her year forsure (07-07-07 right?). that luck didn't seem to hold, as i watched her lose chip after chip till she finally walked away. amusing nonetheless. we watched American Superstars afterwards, and i was bedazzled more by the go-go dancers than the actual performers themselves, impressive as they were.
its only been 2 years since i've last been here. time is such a funny little thing. i thought i felt old then, yet all i can do is laugh at my naivety. its strangely unexpected, but i'm missing san diego less and less the more time i spend here. i was ansy to get this vacation over with, but this temporary dependency is growing on me. its good to actually get a full night's rest for once, without feeling like i'd forgotten to do something crucial. not that i like being with my parents all that much, the truth is much farther from that, i just somehow feel closer to my center. i blame all the free time for introspection.
anyway, i've got quite the project to handle today. so until that gets done, to be continued...
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| vegas: day 1 |
[25 Dec 2007|02:36am] |
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bright eyes - "blue christmas" |
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after landing in vegas the other day, we woke up to a complimentary breakfast that turned out to be a shitload of krisky kreme donuts and starbucks coffee, which wouldn't have been so bad had my mom and aunt not been diabetic. we ended up at the mall soon after, where i not only bought a couple new shirts, but also got a brand spanking new iphone again! haha. i've been bitching and moaning a lot about how bad i banged up my iphone a couple weeks back, but noticed that the apps sometimes back out to the home page without notice (this was going on since before i dropped the thing). i made a big deal out of it at the apple store with one of the "genius" guys, so he got it to crash and used that as the reason to give me a new one. dude even threw in a free pair of iphone headphones. i learned my lesson this time, so i bought a crystal case to keep this bitch in mint condition. mmmmmm, satisfyiing.
my dad bought me into a no-limit hold'em tournament at the Stratosphere and watched me get destroyed by this drunk ass bawler. he looked like billy bob if billy bob were playing johnny dep's character from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (how appropriate). everyone was getting frustrated as hell cuz he'd go all in EVERY TIME before the river was even dealt, and when he'd lose, he'd fuckin buy back in. ass! i lost $60 in 15 minutes, it was fuckin ugly. our spirits were lifted soon after, when my mom was KILLING at the slots. she slowly but surely won $350+ in a couple hours playing all the themed-slots, it was obnoxiously fun to watch. gambling is such love/hate relationship.
we ate at Goldilocks twice already. and its not like we didn't have Goldilocks in sacramento, near oxnard, and san diego where i'm at. i think its funny that i never went to a full-service restaurant Goldilocks till now. i just always thought it was a bakery with a small kitchen for side orders of main dishes. my aunt was hella embarrassing me after she saw this cute half-white-half-filipino-looking girl that talked fluent tagalog working there and was trying to hook us up. "sorry auntie, been there, done that, it didn't work out so well". haha
and in the spirit of Christmas, we went to catholic mass at midnight. except we didn't go at midnight, we went at 10:45 thinking that we were being smart for getting seats early before they got all taken up. EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T. i struggled for an hour trying not to fall asleep completely before mass had even kicked off. i managed to stay awake through the majority of it simply because i found the Nigerian priest's THICK accent so amusing. i had no idea how he went from Jesus's birthday to what legislation was like in Caesar's time in like two sentences, but i don't really think i cared that much.
anyway, time to hit the hay. lookin forward to stuffin my face again at the seafood buffet tomorrow. i've completely given up on the notion that i can avoid gaining a ridiculous amount of weight during this winter vacation. winter quarter will do well to emaciate me, i'm sure.
MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone :D
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| what happy holidays |
[20 Dec 2007|09:07pm] |
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meg and dia - "getaways turned holidays" |
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let us find perfection
and nonsense in all we are
save defects for later
we're angels for now
hide my uniform pride
your arrogant side
i'm aching already
hide your taciturn, mundane expressions
affection will carry us a little while more
let us be entertained
let me believe it ends this way
as for this dying
and as for the rotting
i'm okay with this natural decay
i'll choose illusions
and safety a hundred times over
i'm prepared to be happy and deceived
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| don't wanna forget |
[19 Dec 2007|09:38pm] |
at least this way it doesn't get lost in the jumble of memories this quarter,
stuff i meant to write about, but never got around to:
brand new/thrice w/ issa
wednesday kick off,
the first kiss,
ppp party + more
kp star, perseus, adings
sunday morning, pho
"the talk", downtown, tokyo tea
party like a rockstar,
drunk bike ride, drunk horton,
drag out roommate, azn party, roberto's,
her apartment,
stop n smell the roses
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| ahhhhhhhhh! finals!!! |
[12 Dec 2007|05:10pm] |
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bloc party - "two more years" |
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ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
i'm totally disfunctional this week.
outside of not getting real sleep, or oversleeping, or living off of Monsters,
i had two terribly bad omens today
the first was trying to get out of the garage of my apartment complex
some dumbfuck was driving hella slow on his way out
and as he turns left, he decides he wasn't gonna make the turn and backs up
had i not shifted to reverse and reversed with him, he woulda backed up into me
unfortunately, in backing up, i backed up into a support pillar
completely scuffed the back right bumper of my car
and that fucker turns jus in time to give me a lil wave goodbye and drives off
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
i didn't even know how bad it was till it was too late.
then today, i dropped my iphone for the first time on the concrete by the bus-stop
i rarely ever wear sweatpants, and it sorta jus slipped out of my pocket
i wanted to shout out like a madman in front of other stressed out UCSD final-ers
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
i only scuffed it up on the sides, but it makes me very very sad =(
all this after taking my first, but not last, final this quarter
no doubt i passed the class, but will i be getting a B?? hahaha, right
so much for being smart.
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[03 Dec 2007|03:10am] |
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anberlin - "never take friendship personal"/"dismantle.repair" |
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anberlin kicked ass at SOMA
as did metro station, mae, n motion city soundtrack
Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
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| girl on guitar and the shape of black wizards/"i am heaven-sent,don't-you-dare-forget.." |
[11 Nov 2007|10:22pm] |
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brand new - "okay i believe you, but my tommy gun don't" |
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float through the thoughts we conspire
eyes burned from the sight
disastrous recollection gone terribly right
knotted under the sheets we left in disarray
and as you walk away
i'm manic from the freedom of each passing day
nervous, anxious, but acting so well
remind me like christmas
why my patience and resolve will swell
as lovers go, can we get to somewhere familiar,
will i turn to find us on the same page..?
it lingers here, the taste you left in my mouth
inspiration pouring over drought
toast and wrap myself around the notion,
that if i make it through the fall
i will adore you.
~
"...and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us."
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| post fall-fire-break/monday so far |
[29 Oct 2007|01:18pm] |
got outta work cuz there's nothing to do and supervisor is out. fuck, i need the money tho. i'm postin from SAAC lounge, which also happens to be the first time i've ever brought my laptop to campus at all. never felt like i needed to, till board. i am now officially Recreational Director of KP at UCSD. should be interesting.
wow. board retreat.
i really don't know what to say.
nothin has to be said.
it just is.
and i'm happy. happier.
i'm sick. well, i saw the worst of it yesterday after comin back. hella lying half naked, head pulsating, fetal position, shivering and wondering why the fuck my stomach hurts. i don't know if it was the roscoe's chicken/waffles, or just me not eating the whole day, or a stomach flu in general, but it was the first time tea didn't hit the spot. i passed out between aim conversations and woke up to my laptop toppled on the floor. no studying accomplished, but didn't matter anyways after monday class. everything is resumed as if the fires never happened, and we're cuttin and slicin later stuff rather than what's on our plate right now. chill. very chill. except i didn't really do anything to help myself.
when do i???
i need soup.
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crimsonburn23's journal